During the wedding planning process, some things are going to irritate and frustrate you. Everything that seemed fun and exciting at first will, at some point, irritate you enough to make you think “Why aren’t we eloping?” Most of the time, you’re able to be a grown up and communicate your feelings effectively, negative or positive. You can patiently explain your needs, wants and expectations in a way that doesn’t remind anyone you’re speaking to of a toddler in need of a nap.

Most of the time.

What happens, though, when you want to snap?  Just lose your shit everywhere because people are idiots and things aren’t lining up the way they should? When you want to scream because you’ve had to explain for the thirtieth time why children aren’t invited to the wedding?  When you can’t understand how your alterations quote is more than the actual dress cost to buy? When are you allowed to have the breakdown you desperately need and just be a total asshole?

You know you’ve had the desire to. But you probably remind yourself to take a deep breath, and then you collect yourself before speaking quietly and eloquently.

Well, not everyone has to speak quietly and eloquently.  We have a new writer here at Wedding for $1000 who wants to take the bull by the horns and (anonymously) answer all the asshole questions people ask of brides during the wedding planning process. But she isn’t going to answer them like the rest of us feel we must.  She’s going to answer them with asshole answers that said questions deserve.  In case you haven’t figured it out yet, a word of warning: she uses bad words.  To great effect!  Don’t read if you’re going to be offended!

What do I do when a guest tries to bring their own food to my wedding?

Here we are, at the final trimester of my wedding planning experience. If my wedding were a pregnancy, it would be a viable life. We are almost out of the woods, and yet this is when the crazy starts up in full swing. Guest have started asking some of the most insane and ridiculous things, and on a whole prove they they are not actually literate, as all of the things they are asking about were included in the invitations I spent my hard earned money to send to them.

One of the most rage (and binge drinking inducing) questions someone asked me was about the food. Now we all have people in our lives that are family by choice right? This may be a friend of a parent you call aunt or uncle. This may be a friend of your own that you call sister or brother. Or maybe a friend’s parent you call mom or dad. These relationships have very strange boundaries. In most cases, you can say things to family that manners dictate you can’t necessarily say to friends. And when it’s just a friend, if they do something that pisses you off royally, you can make the decision to not have that friendship anymore. But with family by choice, you’re stuck with them because “family”, but you also are still somehow bound by the manners that dictate friendship. The person I am about to tell you about was one of those. Let’s call her Aunt Jojo, because that’s her name.

Now, let me start by saying that I love Aunt Jojo. She’s been there for me in some pretty rough times growing up and helped me through a lot of shit. But as I got older, and particularly because of Facebook, I learned that she has some, let’s say, interesting views in life. She is one of those people that believes what Fox News says and flatly refuses to research anything. Once I told her she should probably educate herself on shit before promoting lies and she told me she had “learned enough for one lifetime”. I don’t care who you are, that is like the worst outlook to have. Only a fool thinks they know everything. But I digress.

So Aunt Jojo is asking about the wedding. Where are we having it (Look at the invitation?), what are we wearing (You’ll see when you get there?), and what are we serving? Now I find that to be a kind of rude question sometimes. Not always, curiosity is one thing, food allergy is one thing, but mostly, it’s free. That’s what it is. Eat it and shut up. Our wedding is very non traditional. We kept some things like a fancy dress, but our venue is a zoo, and so while it allows us to be formal, it allows us to be fun and low key on some things. Like food.

Where we live there is a local “delicacy” (and I use that word pretty loosely) called Garbage Plates. They’re basically drunk food/hangover cures. We’re in a giant college town. Garbage Plates are basically two sides like baked beans, macaroni salad, french fries or homefries, topped with either a hamburger, cheeseburger, or red or white Zweigles hots (These are basically hot dogs, but way better than that Ballpark bullshit.), and that is then covered with your choice of standard condiments like mayo, mustard, and ketchup, chopped onions if you like, and a greasy, give-you-a-heart-attack meat sauce. All ingredients are optional. You cut up the meats, mix it all together, and shove it in your mouth. It’s heaven. This is what we wanted to eat, so this is what we are serving for dinner. The great thing about this is if anyone is “afraid” of this crazy dish, it can be served to them as a hot dog or hamburger on a bun with two sides.

So I explain this all to Aunt Jojo. And she makes this squished up face and says “Oh. I don’t think I’ll like that. I can just bring McDonald’s instead right?”

Guys, I had a mini stroke. McDonald’s. Fucking McDonald’s. To my wedding. What the FUCK are you gonna do? Bring your stank ass Big Mac and fries into the ceremony and stink up the place? Let me really lay this out for you: WE ARE SERVING BURGERS AND FRIES. SHE WANTS TO GO BUY BURGERS AND FRIES BECAUSE SHE MAY NOT LIKE BURGERS AND FRIES. Are you with me on the insanity here? And I don’t even want to get into the fact that this is a WEDDING and that is so god damn disrespectful and entitled. Have some god damn manners.

Here I am busting my ass to pay for food and drink and for everyone to have a nice time, and you just come in with your “I can bring my own food fuck you” attitude. I finally figured out how to speak again, and managed “Well, I don’t think the zoo allows outside food and drink, so I wouldn’t.” “Oh I can sneak it in!” Errrr no, no you can’t. You can smell Micky D’s from half a mile away. Not to mention the bride has already told you no. Guess what lady? I have signed a contract with my vendors that basically tells me what I can and cannot do that night. A lot of times, “bring other food” falls into the ‘Cannot’ category.

I’d also like to point out that Aunt Jojo has been married 3 times. She has had 3 weddings. She knows the deal and this sure as hell ain’t her first god damn rodeo. As someone with ONE wedding soon to be under my belt I would never, ever in my life think to ask such a stupid fucking question. And I follow a strict diet. I eat what I can, I leave the rest, and if I am still hungry, well shit. I go grab food on the way home or back to the hotel. End of. It’s not going to fucking kill you to not eat food you don’t like.

So just remember, when shit gets bad, no one has actually asked you if they could bring fucking McDonald’s to your wedding. And if they have, get in touch. I’ll be the Asshole Bride and say what you can’t. Then we will share a drink over skype and commiserate that two of these people actually exist. Maybe get matching “No McDonald’s” tattoos or shirts made up. We can start a secret society for people who actually have tact.

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